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Stop Self Sabotage
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Look for the patterns..
November 25, 2018
Happy Sunday! How is everyone doing lately? Personally these last few months have been a time of deep healing AND learning to master new skills.
Usually when I go into a deep healing or growth cycle, it begins with a prompting and desire to do something that doesn’t alway fit in with what I have going on in my life. I’ll get the same message over and over, the last one was when I listened to the call to go to Africa, even thought the cost was prohibitive and Kevin had started a new job and had to immediately take vacation to watch the kids…To this day I haven’t written much about Africa. What I saw and learned there was very personal. It was a deep dive into my own trauma patterns and coping skills it has continued to bring things to the surface for contemplation and healing for months afterward.
But the latest cycle of healing has occurred in these last two weeks. I felt compelled to foster a mom and her 8 puppies. The message came over and over again until I approached my husband who was not on board at all. “Honey, you will get overwhelmed with this and its going to be a ton of work” and you know what he wasn’t wrong with that statement at all. But I knew I needed to do, I knew it wasn’t going away… but what I thought were my reasons for doing it did not match up with what spirit had in store for me. (when does it ever?)
Almost instantly the mamma dog and the puppies needs were all encompassing and overwhelming. The mom barked and scratched almost in frenzy continually if she wasn’t right beside me. The puppies were barking and whining continually for their mom and for attention and for food. Those first 5 days I spent almost 7 hours a day trying to get everyone calm, settled, walked, fed, cleaned, and loved and I felt an anxiety in me awaken that I haven’t felt in a long time.
I had a constant knot in my stomach. How was I going to to do this for 6 more weeks into Christmas. How was I going to take care of everyone including my dogs and kids and business and family.
I was sinking under everyones needs. And it felt so overwhelming and FAMILIAR.
When Sydney was born it was a traumatic birth ending with her being rushed into ICU for over a week, the first time I held her i pulled the iv out of her head by mistake and she started screaming. When she was strong enough to bring home a week later she was still screaming and kept screaming for 6 months. I would show up at my parents and both of us would be crying.
She cried non stop and I started having panic attacks. I was completely drained and neither of us slept. She wasn’t breastfeeding well, I was completely overwhelmed and Kevin was working full time and finishing his Masters.
And now here I was with a Mama dog who was terrified and barked all day and all night if I left her side, and the puppies were howling because Mama was so upset and not nursing them. And it dawned on me that spirit had created a situation in my life that triggered all those old feelings of anxiety and overwhelm, not to hurt me but to help me HEAL.
I noticed how similar the feelings were in body, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the worry about the babies getting enough to eat, if the mama was going to adjust, how it was affecting my entire family and my dogs. The swirling fear based thoughts.
And I let those feelings come up. I sat with them like old friends and asked them what they needed to heal. Most of them just needed to be felt which sounds so simple but it’s one of the hardest things you can be called to do, sit in a feeling that is screaming that everything has gone terribly wrong, until it passes. it’s like sitting in fire.
Some of the bigger patterns would come up and I’d work with them through thoughts. I would notice the anxiety induced thoughts and I would ask myself if they were really true. One of the puppies is sick, she could die in the night, you better not sleep… and on and on.
And the biggest thing I could do was get honest. What do I need in this moment right now to be ok. My mind would scream to return the dog and the puppies. But I have been doing this long enough to know that if I run from this fear, it will recreate somewhere else. Once the call to healing has occurred it doesn’t turn off. And I knew, and I could feel I was being watched over during this process. The synchronicities and dreams and visits by my unseen support team were constant. It kept me anchored in this place to keep sitting with it.
I started by setting a timer. For 1 hour I can letting the dogs and puppies howl without solving it, without rushing in to caretake. I’d set a timer and listened to them and I sat with everything it brought up in me without taking any action. I did this for intervals. And then the mama dog and my dog had a negative interaction and all the thoughts of it being my fault because I wasn’t vigilant enough came up, and I let it. That brought up when we learned Griffin was bling in one eye and I had to be extremely vigilant ever since. I sat with that pain that if anything bad happens it’s ultimately my fault and I deserve to be punished because I let it happen. My body let Griffin be blinded. It was my fault… I sat with that.
I sat with a lot of stuff until it built into a crescendo and then…. it broke and started to ebb away. It’s like a giant wave crashing on the shore. All that energy and pain just broke.. I could feel it dissipate like fog when the sun comes up and burns it off. I knew something deep was shifting.
And since that day mama does not bark to come out of the whelping pen. The puppies do not howl constantly in response to her distress.
When my distress shifted so did the mama’s. And that’s how it works in this world. Her nervousness flared in response to my anxiety. Its never JUST OUT THERE. It’s always an internal job first.
Its’ been 2 weeks today and it’s felt like 2 months. I am so so grateful for the opportunity to heal this. I believe it to be generational trauma as my mom lost twins at birth and i can trace the lost children right up the family tree. If it wasn’t for amazing health care I would have lost sydney to the blood infection she contracted at birth. Trauma cycles until it can heal.
I believe that is what we are all being asked to do… heal. Look at the patterns that keep repeating in your life. Look and see if your parents suffered something similar. Get curious because it’s a knock on the door. And to heal ourselves and our earth we need to answer. It’s a gift disguised as pain. And
you’ve got this
← Less than
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