Today I woke up exhausted. Whenever I wake up exhausted and near tears before my feet hit the floor I know that I’ve pushed myself too hard AND there is something deep inside of me asking to be seen and heard.
It was a panicky, grieving energy and I started to inquire. I do this by listening to my body, locating where it if feels bad and inquiring.. after sitting with this for a bit I understood that it was a feeling of LESS THAN.
Maybe you know this feeling? At a very young age I understood quite clearly that I was less than in other peoples eyes. I remembered clearly many memories of feeling less than. I remembered that classmate that would walk into the classroom and everyone (including) teachers seemed to love them. I was usually getting in trouble. I remember clearly being told to leave the room and sit in the hall for answering questions too enthusiastically in grade 1 (six years old). I remember all the times I was “spanked” I remember all the times I was told my body was wrong, I remember all the times people made fun of my full lips, my ears stuck out, I learned my body was less than. I learned my personality was less than. I was less than.
And today this part of me came knocking, my body needed me to see this because on some level I’m still carrying this pain.
And then like it always does the energy showed me how it’s a world wide sickness. Brown families are less than white families, girls are less than boys, artistic is less than smart, introverted is less than extroverted, poor is less than wealthy, meek less than powerful, this nation is less than that nation, this family is less than that family, this religion is less than that religion.
I realized the events of the world are triggering my own feelings of less than (and the resulting powerlessness) and I can feel deeply what a trauma to the body and the soul this less than label is. Its excruciating. And it is really painful when those messages of less than come from immediate family members as a lot of mine did. And what is really gut wrenching is that society then believes its ok to inflict violence on anything it deems less than. From the girl who pushed me over in the playground in grade 1 and I had to get stitches in my head, to kids who used to call me at home, call me names and hang up, too kids that used to moo at me in school when I came in the room to my mother putting me on a liquid only diet when I was in grade 6, only being allowed to eat 600 calories a day. So much violence to those deemed less than.
And then I took over. I decided I could fit in better if I attacked myself and I would be safer if I became aggressive. My high school years were years of eating disorders and aggressive speech and actions. Anything to make myself safer and more.
As i’m sitting with this energy and letting it be there, letting it show me all it’s wisdom it gets very uncomfortable. I sooth this fragmented part of myself, and coax it back to myself by telling it “You are not less than to me, you are not less than to your husband, your children” And it helps but there is pain.
Whenever we are healing and trying to integrate aspects of ourselves there is always discomfort. After I bit I need to come up for air.
Going into the subconscious repressed and fragmented parts of ourselves is I find “challenging” but also so worthwhile. This is coming up to be integrated, to be healed, people forgiven, forgiving myself….But I need a breather. Just like a deep sea diver you can only stay submersed for as long as the lungs can handle it.
I pop on facebook and see Oprah doing a live broadcast with Maria Shriver who is talking about her new book. And immediately the less than thoughts start. You should be doing your work, you just graduated two people from your personal power program, you should be replacing those clients. These women are out there in the world creating change, being seen, being important. You are in your home “feeling” again.
And then a miracle happened. The words “this IS your work” were clear in my head. It was CLEAR. Like something much bigger than myself was reminding me right in the middle of healing the fragmented part of myself that was I was NOT less than others who are out there doing their work in the world.
And this is what moved me to blog today, because maybe you too feel less than. Maybe you too have felt since your feet hit planet earth and you started taking everything in with your eyes and senses that the world mirrored to you that you are LESS than. And maybe you too felt that grief deep in your soul and you accepted as truth.
Im hear to whisper the same words to you that I whisper to myself. Its not true. There is sickness in the world that causes it to divide us from each other. There is an illness in the world that judges one human more valuable than another. The sickness is outside of you, don’t pull it inside you as a truth. Because I did, and then I immediately fragmented the part of me that held the pain because it hurt too much to confront day by day.
My work is to heal this in myself. My work is to support those who are healing it in themselves. It’s my life’s work and it is not less than anything.